Ask The Mediator Today

by Kara G. Morrison - Jun. 15, 2009 12:00 AM
The Arizona Republic

When Michelle Campbell filed for divorce last year after 13 years of marriage, she underestimated its toll on her finances.

“I went from Nordstrom to Walmart in like 24 hours,” the Scottsdale Realtor said. “I have friends who are not getting divorced because they see what it’s done to me.”

The economy appears to be doing what marriage counselors struggle to do: keep couples together. Spouses are hesitating to divorce because of the high cost of breaking up.

Local divorce attorneys said they’re hearing of more people who feel they can’t afford to leave spouses and move on with their lives. That flies in the face of conventional wisdom, which holds that divorce rates rise with economic stress.

In Arizona, total granted divorces and annulments dropped by 530, or 2.2 percent, last year vs. 2007. In January and February of this year, there were 2,551 granted divorces and annulments in Maricopa County, down 1 percent over the same period in 2008.

However, the county’s latest numbers have just started to show a sharp rise, with granted divorces and annulments rising by 178 - 16.6 percent - in March over that month last year.

“It’s difficult (to divorce), because the housing market is so terrible right now,” Phoenix divorce attorney Daniel Siegel said. “For the average person, the house is their biggest asset. When that is worth significantly less, and in a lot of cases underwater, it makes it a lot harder to figure out what is going to happen with that asset. It certainly makes it more difficult to try to come up with solutions for people.”

Phoenix life coach Vickie Champion knows of at least one marriage saved by the downturn. She said a client “was dead set on leaving” her husband, but after realizing she couldn’t support herself in the current economy, she worked on the marriage.

“Most people who are married don’t communicate,” Champion said. “The easy way out before would be to leave them, but now the easy way out is not to leave them.”

Angela Hallier, a Phoenix family-law attorney, said divorce trends have shifted in the past year. She’s seeing more people who feel they can’t proceed for financial reasons. She also has had couples who live together through their divorce because they can’t sell their homes.

“There are many cases where we are coming up with rules of engagement for the household,” Hallier said. “It’s like roommate rules.”

In these cases, she said, soon-to-be ex-spouses are dividing up square footage, along with belongings and household duties.

“We’ve gone as far as to say who gets what mattress,” Hallier said.

Nationally and locally, divorce rates have been heading downward since the 1980s. Statistics don’t adhere to conventional wisdom about recessions triggering divorces, either. Although national divorce rates (the number of divorces per 1,000 population) climbed during the 1970s recessions, they fell during downturns in the 1980s. Still, Siegel believes in normal economic dips, money problems place a huge stress on marriages.

“I think financial stress is something that, for some reason, is much, much more difficult to get through and to deal with,” he said, adding that this downturn doesn’t seem to follow the typical rules. “During the recession in 2000-2001, we didn’t see this type of impact on the real-estate market. This is certainly a lot different than a normal recession.”

Phoenix family-law attorney William Bishop also expected to see the divorce rate rise slightly when the economy started to contract last year.

Many of his divorce cases are more complex because of couples’ financial circumstances. Bishop said he has had to refer more clients to financial planners, and some have had to go through separate bankruptcy proceedings.

“It’s a lot easier to divide an asset than a debt,” Bishop said. “It really does take more creative thinking to get people separated when you have debt.”

On the flip side, one demographic may not be so hesitant to part ways. Affluent couples are finding it easier to split right now than middle- and lower-income couples.

“If you have a lot of cash on hand, the assets you’re dividing now are (worth) a lot less,” Siegel said. “I don’t want to say it’s a bargain situation, but you can buy the assets for a lot less.”

Hallier also said she has seen an increase in divorce cases among affluent couples where the sole working spouse recently lost significant income.

“It brings to the forefront the dysfunction of the marriage,” Hallier said. “While they had a high and substantial income, it was easier to live with (problems).”

Among her divorcing clients, Hallier said it’s staggering how many have a direct connection to the state’s hardest-hit industry.

“The percent of divorces where one spouse is involved in real estate is huge,” she said.

If there’s any silver lining in current trends, it’s that some couples are getting more creative and exploring more-amicable settlements. Mediation - a process in which spouses agree to work with a mediator and settle out of court - has been on the rise for the past three to five years, said Rich Gordon, principal mediator at A Fair Way Mediation Center in San Diego.

Hallier also said more divorcing couples also are undertaking a “collaborative divorce” where each spouse hires his or her own attorney and agrees to settle out of court. The collaboration helps couples - especially those with children - work through lingering issues, sometimes with help from a therapist, child psychologist or even a CPA when complex finances are difficult to separate.

“It’s sometimes less expensive, and almost always a better emotional process,” Hallier said.

Still, Gordon said, mediation also is slow right now as couples navigate financial woes. Although he has gotten more calls recently, he expects divorces to stall for at least the next year, until the housing market and unemployment rates stabilize.

“Mediation is a lot less economically painful than adversarial lawyering, but it almost doesn’t matter,” Gordon said. “What I am finding is, unlike other slow periods over the course of my career, this one really has people scared, because they’re looking over their shoulder about their jobs and they don’t have a large reservoir of money.”

Campbell, meanwhile, hasn’t regretted her decision to divorce. She would like to be a consultant to other women in her position (she was a stay-at-home mom when she filed for divorce) to let them know they can get through it - as long as they research all the household finances.

“At some point, you have to say, ‘I’m intelligent and I can make more money, but I can’t live in misery,’ ” Campbell said.

It’s still unclear what effect, if any, the recession ultimately will have on the divorce rate. But Phoenix attorney Bishop said one thing is certain.

“Most people, if they want a divorce, they’re going to find a way to get a divorce,” he said.

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For more information, please visit A Fair Way Mediation at:  http://www.afairway.com.  There is a free online evaluation form to see if mediation is right for you.  Or please feel free to call us at:  619-702-9174

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Came across this wonderful article from a New Jersey Divorce Mediator:

In today’s Wall Street Journal, there was an article about the fight over revealing divorce details and the potential damage it could do to the individuals involved and their children.  The author’s point was that it was difficult to tell where the first amendment and the public’s “right to know” ended and the seemingly insatiable interest in gossip we have now-a-days begins.  Just walk by a newsstand or search the Internet for a celebrity’s name and an endless stream of information will appear before your eyes on everything from what they had for dinner last night to the latest rumor about their sexuality.  But if you think it’s just limited to celebrities, think again. It seems these days that there is no such thing as private information given how much data is publicly available on us.  Just do a search on your name in Google and be prepared for what you find.  Do you really want this information out there when it comes to your divorce?

As you may already know, divorce proceedings are open to the public and anyone including your co-workers, neighbors and relatives can sit in the gallery and listen to every sordid detail.  All of this is happening while you pay your attorneys tens of thousands of dollars to come to a settlement you and your ex could have pretty much put together yourself with the help of a New Jersey divorce mediator so what it really comes down to is personal choice.  Do you go the adversarial route and fight this out in public or do you go the mediation route and resolve your differences in private?

There are many benefits of mediation and if you’re like me, privacy is a big one because what happened during my marriage is my business and should remain only my business.   When you use a mediation service, there is no such breech as everything we do is behind closed doors and stays in the confines of our mediation sessions, keeping the details of your settlement completely private as opposed to the alternative which (well read this article and see what I mean) isn’t exactly ideal.  And if you think grandstanding in open court is going to get you a more favorable settlement, think again.  I can’t imagine when you and your soon to be ex are screaming at each other in front of dozens of total strangers, you are going to end up with a good result.  As much as we’d like to think we’re adults, divorce can make us do crazy things and cooler heads don’t always prevail.  But with the help of a divorce mediator in New Jersey you and your spouse will be surprised at just how much progress you can make towards peacefully ending your marriage.  It doesn’t have to be as hard as the movies and television would like you to believe and by making the decision to keep your divorce details to yourself, I promise you, both you and your children will be better off in the long run.

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For more information, please visit A Fair Way Mediation at:  http://www.afairway.com.  There is a free online evaluation form to see if mediation is right for you.  Or please feel free to call us at:  619-702-9174

www.afairway.com

Divorce Mediator Cautions against “Do-it-Yourself Divorce”

Saving Money May Cost You More Later Says A Fair Way Mediation Center’s Rich Gordon

SAN DIEGO (May 6, 2009) – A Fair Way Mediation Center, a San Diego mediation center specializing in offering divorcing couples a way to save money by staying out of court, has cautioned against DIY divorces.   “’Do-it-yourself’ divorces may seem like a good idea at first,” says Rich Gordon, M.A., J.D., principal at A Fair Way Mediation Center . “But in the long run, couples may not get their fare share and run into legal issues that will make their divorce more costly in the end.”

“As of late we’ve seen a growing number of inquiries from people who want to embark in this process on their own,” he says. “One wife practically gave away her family inheritance because she thought her spouse was entitled to half of everything.  Another father created a situation where the wife thought her only solution was to “kidnap” her child.  With complicated issues in uncertain economic times, people frequently don’t understand how the law can protect both parties now and in the future should their fiscal picture change.”

Gordon says even with both members of the couple willing to participate in the divorce process, there is a better chance of a successful outcome with a third party, neutral mediator as a guide. Couples can still avoid heavy legal fees normally involved with lawyers because costs are usually lower and clients can “pay as they go,” letting them proceed with the divorce at the same pace as finances allow.  With a professional in charge, divorcing couples can avoid the pitfalls of emotional decisions when it comes to resolving issues such as child custody, parental visitation, and division of property, retirement and health benefits.

A www.AFairWay.com couples beginning the process may explore their initial options in privacy.  “We know divorce poses difficult dilemmas and our web site begins to answer those sticky initial questions.  We encourage people to visit AFairWay.com on line and then call or email us.”

A Fair Way Mediation may be contacted directly at www.afairway.com or by calling 619-702-9174.  The offices are located in downtown San Diego , One America Plaza , 600 W. Broadway, San Diego , CA 92101 .

By Christine Romans
CNN’s “Your $$$$$” Host

NEW YORK (CNN) — Breaking up is hard to do — perhaps even more so during a recession.

Just ask Sallie Frederick of Darien, Connecticut. She and her husband of 15 years are divorcing, but they both live in the house they can’t sell because of the sour state of the economy.

“My husband lives in the guest room, and he comes home on Wednesday nights early to have dinner with the kids, and the other nights he comes home late to give me my space, so it’s, it’s not perfect,” she told CNN’s “Your $$$$$” program. “It’s been difficult.”

The stress of the country’s economic meltdown is taking its toll on marriages.

And while there is no definitive evidence that says people seek divorce more or less frequently during an economic slump, what is clear is that couples in marital turmoil are feeling extra stress because of the economy.

Some, like the Fredericks, can’t leave their current situation because the financial costs are too great and because it’s too difficult to sell their house.

Others may jump into divorce because of the economic strain or because divorce during hard times could be weirdly profitable.

The Cordell and Cordell law firm, which bills itself as one of the largest divorce firms in the country, has been running radio ads suggesting people whose assets have tanked may want to consider divorce because they’ll lose less money to their partner, said Joseph Cordell, the firm’s principal partner.

Cordell said the advice is meant only for couples who are certain they want to divorce.

“For guys that know they’re going to end up getting divorced, they really need to realize that, oddly enough, it’s when they can least afford it that it can make the most sense,” he said.

Gary Becker, an economics professor at the University of Chicago, said past recessions have led to more couples splitting up “mainly because of the uncertainty and unemployment of both spouses.”

But those separations may not result in legal divorce because of the costs, he said.

Sallie Frederick, whose husband declined to comment for this story, says she began divorce proceedings in October and expects the divorce to be final in about a month.

But their house isn’t likely to sell in this slow market. That means truly splitting up may be months off.

“Right now there are 20 houses in town on the market that are in our price range, and there are no buyers,” she said. “So my broker has pretty much prepared me that the house is going to sit for quite a while.”

Divorce attorney Raoul Felder says couples such as the Fredericks are making the smart financial choice by living together through separation.

“People have to decide how much they hate each other, because if they can still live with each other, and the house or the apartment is big enough, they ought to stay together and wait for a rising market,” Felder says.

Divorce financial planner Gabrielle Clemens says many couples don’t have the $3,000 to $5,000 to hire an attorney for the process.

“If you can’t even retain a lawyer and you have nothing to divide up except for debt, then I think you’re better off to wait,” she said. “I think that’s what a lot of people are doing.”

Cordell said a contested divorce involving child custody could cost up to $30,000.

Divorce attorney Felder says deciding to divorce right now is a “guessing game” about the economy.

On average, he said a divorce takes eight months. Couples have to decide if they think the economy will be any better by the time the divorce is done.

“You have got to do a very careful arithmetic,” Felder says. “The best advice you can give people, if they can stand it: You are swimming against the tide at this point. Tread water a little bit. Wait for the economy to rebound.”

Staying together — even for a few more months — could save thousands of dollars.

“A little misery is worth a lot of money,” says Felder. “So try to stay married if you possibly can.”

That leaves couples who are divorcing and want to live apart, like Sallie Frederick and her husband, in limbo.

Sallie Frederick, who has a business as a life coach, says the difficulty of what a lot of men and women are going through is the uncertainty.

“What is going to happen in a month? What is that picture going to look like? I don’t know,” she said. “I don’t know where am I going to be living. It’s the unknown that I think is frightening.”

A Fair Way Mediation may be contacted directly at www.afairway.com or by calling 619-702-9174.  The offices are located in downtown San Diego, One America Plaza, 600 W. Broadway, San Diego, CA 92101.

Unhappy couples staying together as economy makes divorcing too costly.

The economic crisis may be doing what pastors, family therapists and matrimonial counselors have long struggled to accomplish: keeping troubled marriages together.

Marriage counselors and divorce lawyers nationwide say more distressed couples are putting off divorce because the cost of splitting up is prohibitive in a time of stagnant salaries, plummeting home values and rising unemployment.

While the stress of economic uncertainty often worsens already shaky unions, it also can make couples more financially dependent on each other, said Pamela Smock, a researcher at the Population Studies Center at the University of Michigan in Ann Arbor.

“Anything of this magnitude that’s going to affect millions of people does not bode well for all sorts of families,” she said. “It could keep unhappy couples together.”

That’s what happened to a client of Robi S. Ludwig, a psychotherapist in New York.

“I had a woman say to me: ‘My God, I can’t stand my husband. Every day I just want to leave him, but I can’t afford it,’” said Ludwig, co-author of “Till Death Do Us Part,” an examination of severely dysfunctional marriages. “So they are deciding to stay together.”

eff Grumley, a marriage counselor in Loves Park, Ill., north of Rockford, said he had seen a 25 percent jump in business in recent months as couples tried to save their marriages, and their money. Ten sessions cost about $1,000, Grumley said — not exactly pocket change, but far better than the tens of thousands of dollars a divorce costs.

“I think people feel desperate,” Grumley said.

2 households? ‘They can barely pay for one’
Divorces have always been expensive. For a contested proceeding that goes to court, a couple with at least one child can expect a divorce to cost anywhere from $53,000 to $188,000, according to calculations based on census data by the Web site Divorce360, which factored in attorneys’ fees, financial advice, counseling and real-estate costs for buying or renting separate homes.

Often many of those expenses are recovered when a couple sells their home and divides the proceeds. But the disastrous real-estate market is leaving many homeowners owing more on their mortgages than their properties are worth — turning what would normally be their biggest marital asset into a liability.

“They also can’t go out and get a credit card or personal loan to pay attorney fees or to even try and find a piece of real estate because the lending market is tightening down on them,” said Kevin Hughes, a criminal and family lawyer in Cincinnati.

The evidence for a decline in divorces is primarily anecdotal, because national marriage and divorce statistics for 2008 aren’t available. But in some jurisdictions that report semi-annual figures, the trend is being borne out.

In Chicago, the Cook County Circuit Court system reported that divorce and separation filings fell by 600 — or roughly 5 percent — during the first nine months of the year, compared to the same period last year. Comparable drops have been reported in Fresno County, Calif., and Comanche County, Okla.

In South Florida, where the condominium-heavy Miami area has been described as ground zero of the mortgage crisis, Miami-Dade County reported an 18 percent drop in divorce filings from January to May, compared to the same period last year. Perhaps not coincidentally, average real-estate prices in the area fell about 20 percent over the same period.

“What the judicial officers are telling us is that people who do come in are saying they can’t afford the cost of splitting up and going into two households — they can barely pay for the one,” said Scott L. Rubin, a marital and family lawyer in Miami who is chairman of the Family Law Section of the Florida Bar.

“The housing market is down, it’s hard to sell, and when you can sell, you’re selling it at a depressed price, so a lot of people are deciding … ‘It’s not worth it to do it (at) this time. Let’s stay together. Let’s try to work through our problems and hope that the economy will spring back,’” Rubin said.

2008 downturn a reversal of history
Historically, divorce rates tend to rise during tough economic times, counselors and lawyers said, citing a 17 percent spike in divorces during the 1997 recession. But what makes this downturn different is its severity, they speculate.

That view draws support from the fact that a decline in divorces also was observed from 1930 to 1935, during the depths of the Great Depression, according to Census figures.

Divorce rates “weren’t high, but they went down,” said Jay D. Teachman, a professor of sociology at Western Washington University in Bellingham, Wash., who has studied the period. “People couldn’t afford to divorce.”

Today, with housing prices so low, it’s again cheaper for couples to “work out your differences now,” said Clinton J. David, a lawyer specializing in complex business transactions in Dallas.

“Instead of you and your soon-to-be ex-spouse fighting over how to divide up the profits from the sale (of a home), you could actually, unfortunately, end up fighting over who’s going to pay off the lender because the loan on the home is actually more than the value,” he said.

For divorce lawyers, the economic slump is beginning to have a real impact. In a nationwide survey of divorce lawyers by the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, 37 percent reported a drop in divorce cases during the recent tough economic times, nearly twice the 19 percent who said their business had grown. The rest cited little or no change.

“These folks are just scared, and they can’t go through with the divorce process, so yeah, they’re staying together,” said Hughes, the family lawyer in Cincinnati. “They’re staying together to try and make it work, but unfortunately living as an unhappy married couple.”

Please visit www.afairway.com to get help today.